My Baby Is Sleeping

My baby is sleeping
and while she sleeps
I hope for her
that she will know all of the joys
that I have known, and more
and I promise her
that she will not experience
the sorrow that I have

Friday, February 26

6:00 am

Juna wakes, "Are we going now."

Today, daddy and Juna are going on their first big trip together, to "Natucky," as Juna says. She is very excited, and it makes my heart swell, but I'm afraid on Wednesday I was fighting back panic attacks and balling. At 5 years and 7 months, it will be the first time Juna will be away from me for 3 days and 2 nights.

to be continued... it's still only 6:30 am

Saturday, February 7th, The Day Juna Lost Her First Baby Tooth

Dear Tooth Fairy

Juna has been asking me for about a year, when her she would get a loose tooth. It is high on her bucket list. So, imagine her excitement when this wish came true. It happened like this:

Tuesday - She was at a friend's house, while mommy was at work. When I picked her up, she told me that she had bitten into a apple, that she saw a some blood on the apple and that the spot spread, she told the friend who gave her something to hold on it. That is how she found that her tooth was loose.

Tuesday-Saturday - She tested it many times a day. She was so excited she wanted to tell everyone, and she kept wondering when it would come out.

Saturday - She wakes about 6:00. She checks her wiggle about 6:15. 6:18 she holds up her tooth. WHAT?

Saturday Night - She puts her tooth under her pillow, in the tooth fairy box. She writes the tooth fairy a note asking to leave her tooth so she can also put it under her pillow the next night at mommy's house. (My heart melts!) Daddy leaves her coins from the tooth fairy.

Sunday Night - I got her this carved stone owl and stones from the tooth fairy. Can't wait to see the look on her face!

Monday Morning -

Love,
Juna's Mom, a.k.a the Tooth Fairy


Juna's Notes to the Tooth Fairy:

1st Note: "can take my tute so I can lev et ed my re lo to nit"

Juna's translation: Please tooth fairy, can you bring my tooth back so I can leave it at my mommy's tonight? Thank you.

2nd Note: Tooth Fairy, can you leave two pictures of you. Mu Love love love you


Dear Juna,
This is a beautiful tooth! And your very first one! I will take very good care of it always. Did you know, when you give me your tooth, you also get to make a wish, and I will work very hard to make it come true. I thought it was very sweet that you wanted to keep the tooth so your mommy could also celebrate this wonderful event with you, so I left it for you. I also wanted to give you something else extra special, because loosing your first tooth is extra special. Here is your spirit animal. This carved stone owl will always watch over you and keep you safe and happy, and the three stones will bring you good luck. You are a wonderful child and every day you bring great joy and happiness to every one and thing around you. You are very special and I love you. See you next time you loose a tooth.
Love,
The Tooth Fairy

New Place, New Life (to come)

After The Separation

so, sometimes, you drink a little wine
and then, the words start coming,
pouring out, like that bottle... into an empty glass
and you think, well, you think a lot of different shit
like... I miss my daughter, and although
the free time is nice, right?
you still wish you were in bed beside her
hearing her breathing in the dark
knowing she is sleeping there
and then, you think about where you are
where your life is going, and how the
not knowing is hard, but you are staying the course
and that's okay, because you are thinking
about the next day and what you will be doing
but, but... no matter what you are doing
you are still thinking about the miraculous beauty
of her, of her blue eyes, and you wish
again, that life was perfect... for her.
Oh yeah, you remind yourself, this is where we are,
this is what is happening, it's all okay. It will be okay.
And you try to think of something else.
And you can. But, it's also okay, if you don't.
because even the thought of your daughter
makes you happy too. even if, even if...
you are not with her, and she is not with you
physically. there are always so many other things
to think about. there are.
but it is the one thing that truly brings you back to
who you are.
And I am, because of that.
I am a mother. I am your mother. 

I have experienced no other completeness as that. 

because that is where love finds its home.
that is you.
Juna.

Dear Juna, you are now five and a half

My heart fills up
Every time I see you
Your smiles, every sound
That you make, every dream
You tell me, when you wake,
You are, something that I
Can't define, no words
Can take the place of you
Can describe your face
You are the very heart if me
Which I had such a hard time
In finding, until you

Juna Tales

JUNA, WILD AND FREE

That's my Juna,
wild and free,
just as she ought to be,
from the tips of her toes
to the tip of her nose,
wild beauty,
how she grows
her spirit sparks
a light that shows
love she needs,
love she knows,
dream lovely
like the stars above
hold the moon
in your hands
Juna, my love

JUNA GOES SAILING

This is my boat.
My boat and me.
My boat will stay afloat.
I sail on the silver sea.
Through storms,
through winds,
through desert sun,
I am wild and free.
I return home again.
My little boat and me.
Safe and sound
on green ground,
my boat and me.

Bucket Lists

A Mother And Her Daughter's Bucket Lists

100 Things I Would Love To Do (a work in progress...)

Mama
1. live abroad
2. travel to every continent, at least
3. speak proficient Spanish
4. make enough money to donate and retire
5. make a difference
6. make the world a better place
7. live happily
8. live in thankfulness
9. reunite with a long lost friend
10. make amends
11. read more books
12. create art
13. get published
14. celebrate my 20th, 30th and 40th wedding anniversary
15. celebrate my 80th birthday, while still healthy
16. get my Master's
17. become a public speaker
18. live in a house I love to be in
19. feel comfortable in my skin
20. heal my wounds
21. help others with similar traumas
22. spend more time outside
23. exercise and enjoy it
24. live without daily physical pain
25. feel beautiful again
25. revisit Ecuador
26. find inner peace
27. support my daughter to find her happiness
28. get my dream job
29. change the system
30. have friends all over the world
31. eat healthy, delicious food
32. learn to cook before mentioned food
33. write a children's book
34. learn photography
35. celebrate my daughter's accomplishments
36. practice one-mindedness
37. age well
38. change a tire
39. never stop learning
40. get sober

Daughter (age 4)
1. hug a penguin
2. hold another dead bird
3. ride in a submarine
4. ride a tiger
5. travel to another country
6. go to Mexico
7. ride in a kangaroo's pouch
8. dance ballet
9. rock climbing
10. be an acrobat
11. be a veterinarian
12. change name to Elsa
13. change name to Annie and dye hair red
14. change name to Wendy and dye hair blond
15. be an avid theater-goer
16. learn to ice skate
17. learn to swim underwater
18. have children
19. visit Alex
20. ride an elephant's trunk
21. ride a unicorn, if they are real, I don't know
22. have a pink VW bug
23. have a dog, a cat, a unicorn for pets
24. learn an instrument
25. watch Paddington again
26. paint house in rainbows
27. sleep by myself when I'm ready
28. always live with my mama
29. have magical powers that make stuffed animals real
30. make wishes come true

Savoring The Sweetness

Dear Juna,

I want to tell you one of the many reasons that I choose to breastfeed and sleep with you for what most in our society consider an extended time, over four years. Of course, I love it. These are some of the sweetest moments of my life. Although I have had the opportunity for this kind of love and sweetness in my life, although I have had many wonderful things in my life, I haven't always or often felt them. Having spent the better part of my life, about twenty-eight years in the grip of depression, I often waded through life in a numbness. If I truly opened my heart to feeling, it was often a fog of despair with pools of deep sadness, grief and regret. And so, I learned to shut feeling out, to numb my heart, which helped me survive, but came with the price of losing out on the moments of happiness as well. Not a fair price, but I was bargaining with my life, and beggers can't be choosers. Also, having been taught that "living in the moment" can be dangerous and painful, I learned how not to "be present," to disassociate, to live separate from my body.

From the first day until now, and for days to come, when I hold you in my arms, when you nurse, when you look into my eyes, when I feel your sleeping body next to mine, when I hear you breathing beside me, when you put your arms around me, when you call, "mama," in the night, when I rock you, when I walked with you in the carrier, your heart to mine, when you slept blissfully on my chest, these are the moments. These are the moments that I savor the sweetness you have brought me. These are the moments that bring me into the present, that allow me to open my heart, safely, without fear, and feel the extreme happiness and joy that I have not allowed myself to feel. When I was pregnant with you and when I gave birth to you, it was the first time in as long as I can remember that my body and soul were reunited. It was the first time I trusted my body in many many years. Giving birth, I was present in my body without fear. These are the gifts that you have given me. The gift you continue to give me, the ability to savor the sweetness in my life, the ability to be present in these moments, the opportunity to open my heart and feel.

Your ever-grateful mama

Dear Mom, From Your Four Year Old Juna

Dear Mom,

You know that I love you soooo much,
I love you all the way to the moon,
Even though you are always telling me
things that I already know.

 You know that I love you because
I can't stop giving you big bear hugs
many many times a day,
Even though you are always wrong
and I always have to correct you
with my vast knowledge of all things.

 You know I love you because
I want to be with you all the time,
Even though I love spending time
with others, I always let you know
that you are my first choice,
even when we don't get along.

You know I love you because
you are my best friend
and I want to share everything with you,
Even though you sometimes do things
that I do not like, like saying "no"
when I want ice cream.

You know how much I love you when
I want to snuggle with you
and always be close to you,
Even though sometimes you hug me too hard
or pull my hair by accident.

I love you so much that
I tell you that I want to be with you
even when I am a grown-up,
even when I have kids myself,
because even though you are not perfect,
you are my mother, and I love you
just the way you are.

Love,
Your four year old Juna

No More Napping

August 21
Juna did not nap today. We are getting ready for early bedtime and she says, "I hope I can take a nap this year."

August 27
No more napping happening here. Just when I thought I'd get a little more time with preschool, I'll actually have less... at least awake productive hours. She is going to sleep around 7:30-8, but I am so exhausted from the long day with her that I don't want to do anything. I guess once we get used to this new schedule, I'll start having more energy in the evening. Anyway, I need to start finding some regular afternoon activities to keep us going. This new schedule also means she'll have a lot less time with daddy They will have to make up for it on the weekends. It also means an end for our late afternoon outings, since we have to be home and starting our bedtime routine by 6:30. Boy, does this change things. And I fought it. But it's been 3 weeks since she started missing naps... and now we've had a run of 5 days. It is super exhausting to try to put her down for nap and then not have one... so I'm giving up.

August 30
On the 7th day, I went to take a nap while Juna watched TV.  I never napped with her before, now that she's not napping, I have to lay down for 15 minutes at her naptime.  She's been watching more TV since the no-napping began.  I tried a quiet time, which lasted 5 minutes, then she ran out of her room crying because she was scared.  Then we did another 5 minutes with her on the couch.  So, I told her she could play, watch TV, or lay with me, if she wanted to nurse... the one advantage of not napping is cutting out a nursing, but she still wants to nurse at naptime... so after her coming in and out a dozen times with various requests, she decided to lay with me.  It took a little while but we both fell asleep for almost 2 hours.

Juna's New Room Or Decorating On A Dime

The Theme: Night Owl

When Juna was about half a year, we were all sitting around, and I thought to look up our "spirit" or "totem" animals for fun.  I googled it and put in our birthdays.  Ever since, if you ask Juna she will tell you, "Mama is a bear.  Daddy is a bat.  Juna is an owl."  She loved owls before and ever since.  So, the theme was a given.  I decided to do a mural of a night sky, with a big yellow moon and stars, and a silhouette of an owl on a tree branch.  Ever since Juna could point, she has always noted the moon, so I've always called her my "moon spotter."  She also loves "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star," which has been a song I used to sing her to sleep since the beginning.  

The color, of course, would be blue... the sky.  One wall would be a darker accent wall with the mural and the other walls, a slightly lighter shade of the same blue.

Because The Rug Makes The Room

The rug search.  I looked at hundreds of rugs and finally found the perfect one.  The rug was really the cornerstone of the room, as the room colors would be based on the rug.  This one was round with different colored circles.  I ordered in, in plenty of time, and waited.  I got an email nine days later... no rug.  It was discontinued, which i knew, which is why I searched and searched to find a place that still had it in stock.  They didn't.  So the search continued, but by that time, it was too late to order anything in time for Juna's birthday.  I searched local stores but couldn't find anything that was perfect.  I was beginning to accept that I would have to settle, until I came across another perfect rug... but not local.  I called to make sure they actually hah the rug and ordered it that day.  The person I spoke to said she would rush the shipping and it should arrive in three days.  It didn't.  I waited and waited and waited.  I called on all of powers of patience.  Finally I contacted them and they told me to contact Fed Ex, and I did, and I did again and again... until someone finally confirmed that the rug was lost in the void of lost-shipped things.  The rug company sent me another one... in two days.  But Juna's birthday had come and gone by them.  So, nineteen days later, when the rug arrived, it was time to find the colors for Juna's room.

Finding The Right Blue In a World Of Blues

This took a week, and tree trips to the paint store.  The color couldn't be matched using there machine, so I had to do it by sight, with Juna and rug in tow.  But I found them.  (colors)  That weekend, Jody painted the room on Saturday while I had Juna out for the day, minus coming home for nap, of course.  And they were perfect.  The folowing day was my turn and my father's, while Jody took her out for the day.

An Owl And A Treehouse

We had recently visited the preschool that we choose for Juna.  There, they had a loft.  I love those, and grew up with that sort of thing and it was wonderful.  I started to envision that sort of thing in Juna's room, but it is so small and seemed a lot of work.  I was planning on redoing her closet, with my father's help, so that all of her clothes could be housed there and accessible to her (during age two she had started dressing herself and it was very important to her).  So, I am looking in the closet, thinking of shelving, etc... and there is all of this empty space on top, storage I guess... then, bam... I thought, a loft, a treehouse!  Perfect.  So, on Sunday, my father came over and began building her treehouse, while I worked away painting the owl and moon on her wall.

Organizing: Closet, Clothes, Toys & Books

- The quilt

No Naps Changes Everything

The road to not napping is paved with good intentions.
It is a long, arduous journey into night.
It starts with the occasionally missed nap.
Our world has always been very routine.
Juna's always napped at the same time for the same amount of time.
If she doesn't, it is one of the first signs that something is amiss.
She might be sick, or teething, reaching a milestone or a growth spurt.
So, she here and there missed a nap... once a month, once every 3 weeks, 2 weeks...
until we were down to an average of a missed nap every week on a regular basis.
But, she was still napping the other 6 days, then it was 5 days, then 3 or 4.
Oh, I fought it.  We tried every day.  But the trying got harder and harder.
There were a lot of days when she or I or both of us were in tears.
There were so many days when we were both exhausted, but she didn't nap.
I would spend all my energy putting her down for her nap,
then, if she didn't sleep, then I was completely spent,
but still had 3 or 4 very long, I mean, never-ending hours before a short break.
When we got to the point when trying to take a nap was harder then not,
I finally gave up the ghost.  We stopped napping.  Life was over, as we knew it.
That was about 6 weeks ago.  At first, I had to take a "nap."
I never napped with her before, but i would be so tired,
I would have to lay down for 15-20 minute (that's about all she would allow).
She had the option of laying with me, not very restful for me,
but in the early days of no more napping,
it meant the possibly of her also falling asleep,
or she could play by herself.

Every sleep transition has been an extremely difficult time for us.
Except maybe the first, when she started 2 naps around 3 months old.
The summer of 1, she went down to one nap.
the summer of 2, her nap became later and shorter,
the summer of 3, she stopped napping, and everything has changed.

No Naps Changed EVERYTHING
1.  Earlier bedtime.  From 9:30 to 7:30.  (you think yay, but wait for it)
2.  Earlier wake-up.  From 7:30 to 6:30 to 6:00 to 5:30 to 5.  What?
3.  Juna's always fell asleep really quickly (from 2-10 minute at nap, 10-15 minutes at bedtime) until this past year (15-20 minutes at nap, 15-30 minutes at bedtime), now she is so tired at bedtime, she falls right to sleep... however, she is falling asleep while nursing... errrrrr.  We stopped that long ago.
4.  For a while she was waking up every 45-60 minutes for the first 4 hours.
5.  She doesn't sleep through the night anymore, not yet.  She usually wakes 3 times now, but woke a lot more at the beginning of the transition.
6.  When she wakes, she doesn't go right back to sleep, which she always did before... which meant, that I also went right back to sleep.  Now it can be 20-30 minutes, and I think that is why, if she wakes at 5 or later, she doesn't go back to sleep.  If we are awake more then 10 minutes, it is very hard to go back to sleep.
7.  She now has to get up to use the potty in the middle of the night, she never did this before (I guess she just held it all night).
8.  Because she is waking more and staying awake longer during those wake-ups, she also has other needs... I need to find my baby, I need water, I need aloe for my bug bites, etc.
9.  Long long long long days.  Did I say long days?  5:30 am until 7:30 pm on our longest, if I'm lucky, I get a 45 minute break before bedtime.  Of course, she is in preschool these days (if she's not sick, which makes the days twice as long), so I don't have too many of these days... but even the days in school, the afternoon is so long, because that is the tired part of the day.
10.  Juna and I can be cranky, moody and impatient in the afternoons, without a nap.  She can also be whiny.
11.  We have eliminated one nursing.  Yay.  But she still wants to nurse all the time.  And now, we nurse so so long in the morning, so I can keep her in bed until 6 or 6:30.
12.  We have to go out and do something in the afternoons, or we get tired and cranky.  It's hard to come up with things to do.  It's hard not to spend money to do things.  There aren't as many friends hanging out in the afternoons.

And then there are the changes for me...

Raw

4:00 am (approximate times)
A coughing jag woke you.
4:10 am
I gave you some cough medicine right away, experience has taught me not to wait and see.  It was a new cough medicine, and it didn't work great.
4:30 am
Still coughing.  Nursing.  I gave you another small dose and sat up with you in my lap, nursing, so your congestion could drain.
4:40 am
Coughing subsided.  Laid back down.  Coughing continued.  Tried and tried to go to sleep.
5:00 am
Wrapped you in your blankie, walked to living room and rocked in grandma's rocking chair.  Still coughing.  Sang 10 rounds of Frere Jacques.  Imagined my grandmother rocking my father back to sleep in the middle of the night, in this very chair.  Coughing subsided but you didn't fall asleep.
5:30 am
Back in bed. Tried and tried to go back to sleep.  My first breakdown. 
5:45 am
My second breakdown.
6:00 am
Told you I could not nurse anymore.  I give you my hand to hold instead.  You said you wanted to nurse over and over again.  You got upset.  Tried again to go to sleep.  Couldn't.  Wanted to nurse again.  Repeat.  Repeat.
6:15 am
My third breakdown.
6:30 am
Nursing again. You fell asleep.  I got up to message our friends that we wouldn't be available today.
6:45 am
I fell asleep.
7:30 am
You woke up.  You said, "Damn it.  I have a hair in my mouth."  What?  I tried to casually figure out where you had gotten this word.  Had I said it at some point during the torturous night?
7:45 am
We got out of bed.  You are in a fine mood and I look and feel like I've been run over by a truck.

The First Day Of Preschool

Oh, how you grow
and only the heart knows
how bitterly-sweet it is.
only yesterday it seems
you were a baby
and how I dreamed
of what you would be
at three,
now here you are
with your beautiful
smile
telling me
that you are ready
while you let go
even while you still
cling to me
and I
hug you close
while I open
my arms
to let you go
only the heart knows
how hard it is
and how each letting go
takes a piece of me
even while it fills me
with a greater joy
then I have felt before
for you will grow and grow
and you will continue to go
and I will throw out
the safety net
whenever you need
to come back to me again

My Favorite Juna Words, Age 2-3

A running list of words that make me smile, laugh, or surprise me the first time I hear them:

bullsdover
old/bad/dead (interchangeable) (the sticker is dead when it doesn't stick anymore)
Ramstutin
lovely
amazing
incredible
wonderful
knick-knack sand (magnetic)
gampa & gamma
polite (taking care of someone well)
don't matter, don't bother ("I don't matter." meaning, I don't care, it doesn't bother me)
I promise
tareful (careful)
Otay
aprised (surprised)
cited (excitied or decided)
cada (cicada)
chiminey
noculars
tool (cool)
interesing
sunscream
invesigating
toot (cute)

Big Love

Does a mother's love just grow and grow
like a hot air balloon being filled
then traveling to where ever it goes?
Over vast lands of amazement
like my baby's head down to her toes?
Watching you grow is like 
the best ride at the amusement park,
the sound of crickets in the night air,
snow falling on my nose,
never-ending musical chairs,
a walk in the park on the perfect sunny day,
the sound of soft rain, or the crash bang
of far away thunder... I wonder
does a mother's love just grow and grow
bigger than the biggest and higher than the highest?

Yelling, Crying, Screaming

Dear Juna,

You turned three.  Coincidence?  You also turned over a new leaf of yelling, crying and screaming, of hitting and kicking and tantrums in stores.  I would ask, is this my child? but you are, you are still my child.  I looked up three year old, and it said, you would be doing this, along with not going to sleep at night, which is when most of the yelling, crying and other stuff happens.  So, I know, you are having a really hard time.  You are struggling.  You are finding your way.  You are learning new things.  You are big and you are still small.  You are older and still young.  I love you just the same.  It is the same for me.  I am struggling.  I hope you love me just the same when I am yelling and crying, things like, "Why won't you go to sleep?"

Love,
Your Mother

Journey Away From Co-sleeping

 A work in progress....

Dear Juna,

You are three years old now.  You have been sleeping with me since the day you were born.  It has been one of the sweetest experiences of my life.  I have loved feeling your warm little body next to mine, hearing you breath peacefully in the night, feeling that you are safe right next to me, being able to respond to you the moment you need me, night nursing, waking to your face on the pillow beside me and morning cuddling.  Now that you are three, your father and I have decided it is time to transition you into your own room and you own bed.  If it were just up to me, I probably would sleep with you for longer, but because there are various factors, I do think it is the best thing to do.  I do think you are ready, or will be by the time the total transition takes place.  It will be a process, as every change and development has been.  

First, we redid your room for your third birthday...

But I also think of you, my little child, in the big bed, in the big room all by yourself, all night long, while the big people, who need no care, are sleeping together in another room, and it kind of doesn't make sense to me.  I also know, this will be a transition for me as well, and that it might be difficult for me to sleep well with you so far away.  I might have to get up during the night to check on you.  This may be completely normal, but I know I also have some over-protective feeling, partly because three children have passed away in our family, and this makes me more nervous about being away from you.

Day 1 - July 28

I just left Juna in her new room, in her big girl bed, reading books to herself. The room isn't completely finishing and I wasn't planning on her transitioning for another week or so, but she said she wanted to go to bed all by herself, read books all by herself, sleep all by herself tonight and not nurse. WOW! That, of course, doesn't mean that it will happen, but it does mean she is excited about it and her new found independence in her big girl room!

Two minutes later... I didn't think to turn on her nightlight, so she read her books, then turned off her light and found herself in the dark (she is used to sleeping in the dark, but in her hew room, she is going to have a night light). So she came out to get me.  Then she wanted to try sleeping in her loft, which I did not foresee.  It has a sleeping bag but not the foam mattress yet.  She climbed in, I left her nightlight on, and two minutes later she came out to tell me she wanted to sleep in the big bed with me.

 Day 2 - July 29

Well, the bedtime routine just got a lot longer.  Juna's been having a difficult time falling sleep the last two weeks.  First it was just taking longer (usually takes 20-30 minutes but started gradually taking up to fifty minutes) and then for three days she was screaming and crying (about going to bed, then when I stopped nursing her), until last night when she went to sleep fine but still took a while.  So, not a great time to be adding to our bedtime routine.  

Our usual routine is long enough and goes like this: 

8:15 - 10 minutes of TV (8:00 if bath)

8:30 - Jammies on, potty time, brush teeth

8:45 - Read books

9:00 - 9:20 - Lights out, What we did today? (review & preview), nursing & songs

9:20 - 9:30 - Roll over and fall asleep (except this is taking until 9:50 or so these days)

Now, we are adding in:

8:45 - 9:10 - Practicing going to sleep in own bed, practicing sleeping in loft, going into big bed

So, she wanted to try again.  Own bed, loft, then big bed.  This transitioning is exhausting.

August 13

Juna and I have been sleeping in her bed for 3 nights with no trouble.  The last step was getting a new air conditioner for her room.  I still need to fix the window so it is dark in there, that has been a pain.  Of course, it is a real pain sleeping in her little twin bed with her... the first night we just had the cheap thin mattress on it and I woke felling so sore and awful, but I put a big blanket and mattress cover on it and it is a little better.  Juna loves her new room and likes sleeping in her own bed.  She had been under the impression that it meant her sleeping alone, and she was having some trouble with that, of course, she has no problem with me sleeping with her.

Holy Cow! You Are Three!

My dearest Juna Finn, today you turn three years old
and we have had three lovely, sweet, inspiring years
together, full of smiles and happiness, tears and falls,
challenges for both of us, and we have weathered them
together.  I truely can not believe that it has been three years
since the birth of you, since the first time I held
your new little body and looked into your eyes, since
my heart over-flowed for the first time of many
hundreds of times during all of the moments of
watching you grow so beautifully.