No Naps Changes Everything

The road to not napping is paved with good intentions.
It is a long, arduous journey into night.
It starts with the occasionally missed nap.
Our world has always been very routine.
Juna's always napped at the same time for the same amount of time.
If she doesn't, it is one of the first signs that something is amiss.
She might be sick, or teething, reaching a milestone or a growth spurt.
So, she here and there missed a nap... once a month, once every 3 weeks, 2 weeks...
until we were down to an average of a missed nap every week on a regular basis.
But, she was still napping the other 6 days, then it was 5 days, then 3 or 4.
Oh, I fought it.  We tried every day.  But the trying got harder and harder.
There were a lot of days when she or I or both of us were in tears.
There were so many days when we were both exhausted, but she didn't nap.
I would spend all my energy putting her down for her nap,
then, if she didn't sleep, then I was completely spent,
but still had 3 or 4 very long, I mean, never-ending hours before a short break.
When we got to the point when trying to take a nap was harder then not,
I finally gave up the ghost.  We stopped napping.  Life was over, as we knew it.
That was about 6 weeks ago.  At first, I had to take a "nap."
I never napped with her before, but i would be so tired,
I would have to lay down for 15-20 minute (that's about all she would allow).
She had the option of laying with me, not very restful for me,
but in the early days of no more napping,
it meant the possibly of her also falling asleep,
or she could play by herself.

Every sleep transition has been an extremely difficult time for us.
Except maybe the first, when she started 2 naps around 3 months old.
The summer of 1, she went down to one nap.
the summer of 2, her nap became later and shorter,
the summer of 3, she stopped napping, and everything has changed.

No Naps Changed EVERYTHING
1.  Earlier bedtime.  From 9:30 to 7:30.  (you think yay, but wait for it)
2.  Earlier wake-up.  From 7:30 to 6:30 to 6:00 to 5:30 to 5.  What?
3.  Juna's always fell asleep really quickly (from 2-10 minute at nap, 10-15 minutes at bedtime) until this past year (15-20 minutes at nap, 15-30 minutes at bedtime), now she is so tired at bedtime, she falls right to sleep... however, she is falling asleep while nursing... errrrrr.  We stopped that long ago.
4.  For a while she was waking up every 45-60 minutes for the first 4 hours.
5.  She doesn't sleep through the night anymore, not yet.  She usually wakes 3 times now, but woke a lot more at the beginning of the transition.
6.  When she wakes, she doesn't go right back to sleep, which she always did before... which meant, that I also went right back to sleep.  Now it can be 20-30 minutes, and I think that is why, if she wakes at 5 or later, she doesn't go back to sleep.  If we are awake more then 10 minutes, it is very hard to go back to sleep.
7.  She now has to get up to use the potty in the middle of the night, she never did this before (I guess she just held it all night).
8.  Because she is waking more and staying awake longer during those wake-ups, she also has other needs... I need to find my baby, I need water, I need aloe for my bug bites, etc.
9.  Long long long long days.  Did I say long days?  5:30 am until 7:30 pm on our longest, if I'm lucky, I get a 45 minute break before bedtime.  Of course, she is in preschool these days (if she's not sick, which makes the days twice as long), so I don't have too many of these days... but even the days in school, the afternoon is so long, because that is the tired part of the day.
10.  Juna and I can be cranky, moody and impatient in the afternoons, without a nap.  She can also be whiny.
11.  We have eliminated one nursing.  Yay.  But she still wants to nurse all the time.  And now, we nurse so so long in the morning, so I can keep her in bed until 6 or 6:30.
12.  We have to go out and do something in the afternoons, or we get tired and cranky.  It's hard to come up with things to do.  It's hard not to spend money to do things.  There aren't as many friends hanging out in the afternoons.

And then there are the changes for me...

Raw

4:00 am (approximate times)
A coughing jag woke you.
4:10 am
I gave you some cough medicine right away, experience has taught me not to wait and see.  It was a new cough medicine, and it didn't work great.
4:30 am
Still coughing.  Nursing.  I gave you another small dose and sat up with you in my lap, nursing, so your congestion could drain.
4:40 am
Coughing subsided.  Laid back down.  Coughing continued.  Tried and tried to go to sleep.
5:00 am
Wrapped you in your blankie, walked to living room and rocked in grandma's rocking chair.  Still coughing.  Sang 10 rounds of Frere Jacques.  Imagined my grandmother rocking my father back to sleep in the middle of the night, in this very chair.  Coughing subsided but you didn't fall asleep.
5:30 am
Back in bed. Tried and tried to go back to sleep.  My first breakdown. 
5:45 am
My second breakdown.
6:00 am
Told you I could not nurse anymore.  I give you my hand to hold instead.  You said you wanted to nurse over and over again.  You got upset.  Tried again to go to sleep.  Couldn't.  Wanted to nurse again.  Repeat.  Repeat.
6:15 am
My third breakdown.
6:30 am
Nursing again. You fell asleep.  I got up to message our friends that we wouldn't be available today.
6:45 am
I fell asleep.
7:30 am
You woke up.  You said, "Damn it.  I have a hair in my mouth."  What?  I tried to casually figure out where you had gotten this word.  Had I said it at some point during the torturous night?
7:45 am
We got out of bed.  You are in a fine mood and I look and feel like I've been run over by a truck.

The First Day Of Preschool

Oh, how you grow
and only the heart knows
how bitterly-sweet it is.
only yesterday it seems
you were a baby
and how I dreamed
of what you would be
at three,
now here you are
with your beautiful
smile
telling me
that you are ready
while you let go
even while you still
cling to me
and I
hug you close
while I open
my arms
to let you go
only the heart knows
how hard it is
and how each letting go
takes a piece of me
even while it fills me
with a greater joy
then I have felt before
for you will grow and grow
and you will continue to go
and I will throw out
the safety net
whenever you need
to come back to me again

My Favorite Juna Words, Age 2-3

A running list of words that make me smile, laugh, or surprise me the first time I hear them:

bullsdover
old/bad/dead (interchangeable) (the sticker is dead when it doesn't stick anymore)
Ramstutin
lovely
amazing
incredible
wonderful
knick-knack sand (magnetic)
gampa & gamma
polite (taking care of someone well)
don't matter, don't bother ("I don't matter." meaning, I don't care, it doesn't bother me)
I promise
tareful (careful)
Otay
aprised (surprised)
cited (excitied or decided)
cada (cicada)
chiminey
noculars
tool (cool)
interesing
sunscream
invesigating
toot (cute)

Big Love

Does a mother's love just grow and grow
like a hot air balloon being filled
then traveling to where ever it goes?
Over vast lands of amazement
like my baby's head down to her toes?
Watching you grow is like 
the best ride at the amusement park,
the sound of crickets in the night air,
snow falling on my nose,
never-ending musical chairs,
a walk in the park on the perfect sunny day,
the sound of soft rain, or the crash bang
of far away thunder... I wonder
does a mother's love just grow and grow
bigger than the biggest and higher than the highest?

Yelling, Crying, Screaming

Dear Juna,

You turned three.  Coincidence?  You also turned over a new leaf of yelling, crying and screaming, of hitting and kicking and tantrums in stores.  I would ask, is this my child? but you are, you are still my child.  I looked up three year old, and it said, you would be doing this, along with not going to sleep at night, which is when most of the yelling, crying and other stuff happens.  So, I know, you are having a really hard time.  You are struggling.  You are finding your way.  You are learning new things.  You are big and you are still small.  You are older and still young.  I love you just the same.  It is the same for me.  I am struggling.  I hope you love me just the same when I am yelling and crying, things like, "Why won't you go to sleep?"

Love,
Your Mother

Journey Away From Co-sleeping

 A work in progress....

Dear Juna,

You are three years old now.  You have been sleeping with me since the day you were born.  It has been one of the sweetest experiences of my life.  I have loved feeling your warm little body next to mine, hearing you breath peacefully in the night, feeling that you are safe right next to me, being able to respond to you the moment you need me, night nursing, waking to your face on the pillow beside me and morning cuddling.  Now that you are three, your father and I have decided it is time to transition you into your own room and you own bed.  If it were just up to me, I probably would sleep with you for longer, but because there are various factors, I do think it is the best thing to do.  I do think you are ready, or will be by the time the total transition takes place.  It will be a process, as every change and development has been.  

First, we redid your room for your third birthday...

But I also think of you, my little child, in the big bed, in the big room all by yourself, all night long, while the big people, who need no care, are sleeping together in another room, and it kind of doesn't make sense to me.  I also know, this will be a transition for me as well, and that it might be difficult for me to sleep well with you so far away.  I might have to get up during the night to check on you.  This may be completely normal, but I know I also have some over-protective feeling, partly because three children have passed away in our family, and this makes me more nervous about being away from you.

Day 1 - July 28

I just left Juna in her new room, in her big girl bed, reading books to herself. The room isn't completely finishing and I wasn't planning on her transitioning for another week or so, but she said she wanted to go to bed all by herself, read books all by herself, sleep all by herself tonight and not nurse. WOW! That, of course, doesn't mean that it will happen, but it does mean she is excited about it and her new found independence in her big girl room!

Two minutes later... I didn't think to turn on her nightlight, so she read her books, then turned off her light and found herself in the dark (she is used to sleeping in the dark, but in her hew room, she is going to have a night light). So she came out to get me.  Then she wanted to try sleeping in her loft, which I did not foresee.  It has a sleeping bag but not the foam mattress yet.  She climbed in, I left her nightlight on, and two minutes later she came out to tell me she wanted to sleep in the big bed with me.

 Day 2 - July 29

Well, the bedtime routine just got a lot longer.  Juna's been having a difficult time falling sleep the last two weeks.  First it was just taking longer (usually takes 20-30 minutes but started gradually taking up to fifty minutes) and then for three days she was screaming and crying (about going to bed, then when I stopped nursing her), until last night when she went to sleep fine but still took a while.  So, not a great time to be adding to our bedtime routine.  

Our usual routine is long enough and goes like this: 

8:15 - 10 minutes of TV (8:00 if bath)

8:30 - Jammies on, potty time, brush teeth

8:45 - Read books

9:00 - 9:20 - Lights out, What we did today? (review & preview), nursing & songs

9:20 - 9:30 - Roll over and fall asleep (except this is taking until 9:50 or so these days)

Now, we are adding in:

8:45 - 9:10 - Practicing going to sleep in own bed, practicing sleeping in loft, going into big bed

So, she wanted to try again.  Own bed, loft, then big bed.  This transitioning is exhausting.

August 13

Juna and I have been sleeping in her bed for 3 nights with no trouble.  The last step was getting a new air conditioner for her room.  I still need to fix the window so it is dark in there, that has been a pain.  Of course, it is a real pain sleeping in her little twin bed with her... the first night we just had the cheap thin mattress on it and I woke felling so sore and awful, but I put a big blanket and mattress cover on it and it is a little better.  Juna loves her new room and likes sleeping in her own bed.  She had been under the impression that it meant her sleeping alone, and she was having some trouble with that, of course, she has no problem with me sleeping with her.