It is unreal how fast you have grown up. It totally blows my mind. When I miss that little baby, I think about all those hours I spent holding you, singing, rocking and walking with you, playing, laughing and soothing you. I think about the feel of your little body on my chest, the sound of your breathing, your cries, your babbles and smiles. I still can't believe that I gave birth to you, and I feel some sadness that we have decided you will be our only child. I will not experience the incredible journey of pregnancy and childbirth again. But this journey we are on together is so amazing that I couldn't ask for more.
You are trying to balance your own independence with your need, emotionally and physically, for me, and it is a difficult negotiation, fraught with frustrations, tearful upheavals and growing pains. You want and believe that you can, indeed, do everything yourself, and it is heartbreaking when your hopes are dashed. But, after a maddened outburst or tearful downpour, you will pick yourself up and try again and again and again, most of the time. You are determined. You are relentless. You are stubborn. You will not accept defeat. You will not accept help, unless you have specifically sanctioned it. I admire you. However, it is so difficult for this mother's heart and against my instincts NOT to help you. It is evident that any intervention on my part just makes things much worse, so I am working on letting go and letting you do what you need to do to grow and learn. i am working on being an observer instead of the active participant that I have been thus far. It is difficult to exchange these roles. It is so hard to just watch you get frustrated, when I could easily just turn the coat the other way, but I understand that is not what you want. You only want to "DO IT ALL BY MYSELF!!!" no matter how difficult it is. But when you are hurt, sad, tired, sick, shy or unsure, I will still hold you and take care of you as if you where my baby and not the totally independent child that you long to be.
