I want to tell you one of the many reasons that I choose to breastfeed and sleep with you for what most in our society consider an extended time, over four years. Of course, I love it. These are some of the sweetest moments of my life. Although I have had the opportunity for this kind of love and sweetness in my life, although I have had many wonderful things in my life, I haven't always or often felt them. Having spent the better part of my life, about twenty-eight years in the grip of depression, I often waded through life in a numbness. If I truly opened my heart to feeling, it was often a fog of despair with pools of deep sadness, grief and regret. And so, I learned to shut feeling out, to numb my heart, which helped me survive, but came with the price of losing out on the moments of happiness as well. Not a fair price, but I was bargaining with my life, and beggers can't be choosers. Also, having been taught that "living in the moment" can be dangerous and painful, I learned how not to "be present," to disassociate, to live separate from my body.
From the first day until now, and for days to come, when I hold you in my arms, when you nurse, when you look into my eyes, when I feel your sleeping body next to mine, when I hear you breathing beside me, when you put your arms around me, when you call, "mama," in the night, when I rock you, when I walked with you in the carrier, your heart to mine, when you slept blissfully on my chest, these are the moments. These are the moments that I savor the sweetness you have brought me. These are the moments that bring me into the present, that allow me to open my heart, safely, without fear, and feel the extreme happiness and joy that I have not allowed myself to feel. When I was pregnant with you and when I gave birth to you, it was the first time in as long as I can remember that my body and soul were reunited. It was the first time I trusted my body in many many years. Giving birth, I was present in my body without fear. These are the gifts that you have given me. The gift you continue to give me, the ability to savor the sweetness in my life, the ability to be present in these moments, the opportunity to open my heart and feel.
Your ever-grateful mama
