No Naps Changes Everything

The road to not napping is paved with good intentions.
It is a long, arduous journey into night.
It starts with the occasionally missed nap.
Our world has always been very routine.
Juna's always napped at the same time for the same amount of time.
If she doesn't, it is one of the first signs that something is amiss.
She might be sick, or teething, reaching a milestone or a growth spurt.
So, she here and there missed a nap... once a month, once every 3 weeks, 2 weeks...
until we were down to an average of a missed nap every week on a regular basis.
But, she was still napping the other 6 days, then it was 5 days, then 3 or 4.
Oh, I fought it.  We tried every day.  But the trying got harder and harder.
There were a lot of days when she or I or both of us were in tears.
There were so many days when we were both exhausted, but she didn't nap.
I would spend all my energy putting her down for her nap,
then, if she didn't sleep, then I was completely spent,
but still had 3 or 4 very long, I mean, never-ending hours before a short break.
When we got to the point when trying to take a nap was harder then not,
I finally gave up the ghost.  We stopped napping.  Life was over, as we knew it.
That was about 6 weeks ago.  At first, I had to take a "nap."
I never napped with her before, but i would be so tired,
I would have to lay down for 15-20 minute (that's about all she would allow).
She had the option of laying with me, not very restful for me,
but in the early days of no more napping,
it meant the possibly of her also falling asleep,
or she could play by herself.

Every sleep transition has been an extremely difficult time for us.
Except maybe the first, when she started 2 naps around 3 months old.
The summer of 1, she went down to one nap.
the summer of 2, her nap became later and shorter,
the summer of 3, she stopped napping, and everything has changed.

No Naps Changed EVERYTHING
1.  Earlier bedtime.  From 9:30 to 7:30.  (you think yay, but wait for it)
2.  Earlier wake-up.  From 7:30 to 6:30 to 6:00 to 5:30 to 5.  What?
3.  Juna's always fell asleep really quickly (from 2-10 minute at nap, 10-15 minutes at bedtime) until this past year (15-20 minutes at nap, 15-30 minutes at bedtime), now she is so tired at bedtime, she falls right to sleep... however, she is falling asleep while nursing... errrrrr.  We stopped that long ago.
4.  For a while she was waking up every 45-60 minutes for the first 4 hours.
5.  She doesn't sleep through the night anymore, not yet.  She usually wakes 3 times now, but woke a lot more at the beginning of the transition.
6.  When she wakes, she doesn't go right back to sleep, which she always did before... which meant, that I also went right back to sleep.  Now it can be 20-30 minutes, and I think that is why, if she wakes at 5 or later, she doesn't go back to sleep.  If we are awake more then 10 minutes, it is very hard to go back to sleep.
7.  She now has to get up to use the potty in the middle of the night, she never did this before (I guess she just held it all night).
8.  Because she is waking more and staying awake longer during those wake-ups, she also has other needs... I need to find my baby, I need water, I need aloe for my bug bites, etc.
9.  Long long long long days.  Did I say long days?  5:30 am until 7:30 pm on our longest, if I'm lucky, I get a 45 minute break before bedtime.  Of course, she is in preschool these days (if she's not sick, which makes the days twice as long), so I don't have too many of these days... but even the days in school, the afternoon is so long, because that is the tired part of the day.
10.  Juna and I can be cranky, moody and impatient in the afternoons, without a nap.  She can also be whiny.
11.  We have eliminated one nursing.  Yay.  But she still wants to nurse all the time.  And now, we nurse so so long in the morning, so I can keep her in bed until 6 or 6:30.
12.  We have to go out and do something in the afternoons, or we get tired and cranky.  It's hard to come up with things to do.  It's hard not to spend money to do things.  There aren't as many friends hanging out in the afternoons.

And then there are the changes for me...

Raw

4:00 am (approximate times)
A coughing jag woke you.
4:10 am
I gave you some cough medicine right away, experience has taught me not to wait and see.  It was a new cough medicine, and it didn't work great.
4:30 am
Still coughing.  Nursing.  I gave you another small dose and sat up with you in my lap, nursing, so your congestion could drain.
4:40 am
Coughing subsided.  Laid back down.  Coughing continued.  Tried and tried to go to sleep.
5:00 am
Wrapped you in your blankie, walked to living room and rocked in grandma's rocking chair.  Still coughing.  Sang 10 rounds of Frere Jacques.  Imagined my grandmother rocking my father back to sleep in the middle of the night, in this very chair.  Coughing subsided but you didn't fall asleep.
5:30 am
Back in bed. Tried and tried to go back to sleep.  My first breakdown. 
5:45 am
My second breakdown.
6:00 am
Told you I could not nurse anymore.  I give you my hand to hold instead.  You said you wanted to nurse over and over again.  You got upset.  Tried again to go to sleep.  Couldn't.  Wanted to nurse again.  Repeat.  Repeat.
6:15 am
My third breakdown.
6:30 am
Nursing again. You fell asleep.  I got up to message our friends that we wouldn't be available today.
6:45 am
I fell asleep.
7:30 am
You woke up.  You said, "Damn it.  I have a hair in my mouth."  What?  I tried to casually figure out where you had gotten this word.  Had I said it at some point during the torturous night?
7:45 am
We got out of bed.  You are in a fine mood and I look and feel like I've been run over by a truck.

The First Day Of Preschool

Oh, how you grow
and only the heart knows
how bitterly-sweet it is.
only yesterday it seems
you were a baby
and how I dreamed
of what you would be
at three,
now here you are
with your beautiful
smile
telling me
that you are ready
while you let go
even while you still
cling to me
and I
hug you close
while I open
my arms
to let you go
only the heart knows
how hard it is
and how each letting go
takes a piece of me
even while it fills me
with a greater joy
then I have felt before
for you will grow and grow
and you will continue to go
and I will throw out
the safety net
whenever you need
to come back to me again

My Favorite Juna Words, Age 2-3

A running list of words that make me smile, laugh, or surprise me the first time I hear them:

bullsdover
old/bad/dead (interchangeable) (the sticker is dead when it doesn't stick anymore)
Ramstutin
lovely
amazing
incredible
wonderful
knick-knack sand (magnetic)
gampa & gamma
polite (taking care of someone well)
don't matter, don't bother ("I don't matter." meaning, I don't care, it doesn't bother me)
I promise
tareful (careful)
Otay
aprised (surprised)
cited (excitied or decided)
cada (cicada)
chiminey
noculars
tool (cool)
interesing
sunscream
invesigating
toot (cute)

Big Love

Does a mother's love just grow and grow
like a hot air balloon being filled
then traveling to where ever it goes?
Over vast lands of amazement
like my baby's head down to her toes?
Watching you grow is like 
the best ride at the amusement park,
the sound of crickets in the night air,
snow falling on my nose,
never-ending musical chairs,
a walk in the park on the perfect sunny day,
the sound of soft rain, or the crash bang
of far away thunder... I wonder
does a mother's love just grow and grow
bigger than the biggest and higher than the highest?

Yelling, Crying, Screaming

Dear Juna,

You turned three.  Coincidence?  You also turned over a new leaf of yelling, crying and screaming, of hitting and kicking and tantrums in stores.  I would ask, is this my child? but you are, you are still my child.  I looked up three year old, and it said, you would be doing this, along with not going to sleep at night, which is when most of the yelling, crying and other stuff happens.  So, I know, you are having a really hard time.  You are struggling.  You are finding your way.  You are learning new things.  You are big and you are still small.  You are older and still young.  I love you just the same.  It is the same for me.  I am struggling.  I hope you love me just the same when I am yelling and crying, things like, "Why won't you go to sleep?"

Love,
Your Mother

Journey Away From Co-sleeping

 A work in progress....

Dear Juna,

You are three years old now.  You have been sleeping with me since the day you were born.  It has been one of the sweetest experiences of my life.  I have loved feeling your warm little body next to mine, hearing you breath peacefully in the night, feeling that you are safe right next to me, being able to respond to you the moment you need me, night nursing, waking to your face on the pillow beside me and morning cuddling.  Now that you are three, your father and I have decided it is time to transition you into your own room and you own bed.  If it were just up to me, I probably would sleep with you for longer, but because there are various factors, I do think it is the best thing to do.  I do think you are ready, or will be by the time the total transition takes place.  It will be a process, as every change and development has been.  

First, we redid your room for your third birthday...

But I also think of you, my little child, in the big bed, in the big room all by yourself, all night long, while the big people, who need no care, are sleeping together in another room, and it kind of doesn't make sense to me.  I also know, this will be a transition for me as well, and that it might be difficult for me to sleep well with you so far away.  I might have to get up during the night to check on you.  This may be completely normal, but I know I also have some over-protective feeling, partly because three children have passed away in our family, and this makes me more nervous about being away from you.

Day 1 - July 28

I just left Juna in her new room, in her big girl bed, reading books to herself. The room isn't completely finishing and I wasn't planning on her transitioning for another week or so, but she said she wanted to go to bed all by herself, read books all by herself, sleep all by herself tonight and not nurse. WOW! That, of course, doesn't mean that it will happen, but it does mean she is excited about it and her new found independence in her big girl room!

Two minutes later... I didn't think to turn on her nightlight, so she read her books, then turned off her light and found herself in the dark (she is used to sleeping in the dark, but in her hew room, she is going to have a night light). So she came out to get me.  Then she wanted to try sleeping in her loft, which I did not foresee.  It has a sleeping bag but not the foam mattress yet.  She climbed in, I left her nightlight on, and two minutes later she came out to tell me she wanted to sleep in the big bed with me.

 Day 2 - July 29

Well, the bedtime routine just got a lot longer.  Juna's been having a difficult time falling sleep the last two weeks.  First it was just taking longer (usually takes 20-30 minutes but started gradually taking up to fifty minutes) and then for three days she was screaming and crying (about going to bed, then when I stopped nursing her), until last night when she went to sleep fine but still took a while.  So, not a great time to be adding to our bedtime routine.  

Our usual routine is long enough and goes like this: 

8:15 - 10 minutes of TV (8:00 if bath)

8:30 - Jammies on, potty time, brush teeth

8:45 - Read books

9:00 - 9:20 - Lights out, What we did today? (review & preview), nursing & songs

9:20 - 9:30 - Roll over and fall asleep (except this is taking until 9:50 or so these days)

Now, we are adding in:

8:45 - 9:10 - Practicing going to sleep in own bed, practicing sleeping in loft, going into big bed

So, she wanted to try again.  Own bed, loft, then big bed.  This transitioning is exhausting.

August 13

Juna and I have been sleeping in her bed for 3 nights with no trouble.  The last step was getting a new air conditioner for her room.  I still need to fix the window so it is dark in there, that has been a pain.  Of course, it is a real pain sleeping in her little twin bed with her... the first night we just had the cheap thin mattress on it and I woke felling so sore and awful, but I put a big blanket and mattress cover on it and it is a little better.  Juna loves her new room and likes sleeping in her own bed.  She had been under the impression that it meant her sleeping alone, and she was having some trouble with that, of course, she has no problem with me sleeping with her.

Holy Cow! You Are Three!

My dearest Juna Finn, today you turn three years old
and we have had three lovely, sweet, inspiring years
together, full of smiles and happiness, tears and falls,
challenges for both of us, and we have weathered them
together.  I truely can not believe that it has been three years
since the birth of you, since the first time I held
your new little body and looked into your eyes, since
my heart over-flowed for the first time of many
hundreds of times during all of the moments of
watching you grow so beautifully.

Then You Were Two

Two

                                                       July 2013

For the first few months of 2, I thought, mistakenly,
"Maybe we won't go through what they term the "terrible twos"?  
Ahhh, and then, there it was.  "Hello TWO."

One of the times of greatest change,
absolutely awe inspiring and
painfully challenging at the same time

However tough it is on us, we remind ourselves,
it is tougher on them, and that we should take a lesson
from how easily and quickly they CAN recover
from the immensity of the intensity
of new and confusing emotions
as they navigate this complex world
with all of the new skills they are learning
and honing every minute of every day

You are 2
and you are absolutely amazing
in all of the things that you do

                                         5 days to 3

Because You Have Emotions and They Are Real

I can not say NEVER,
because I know it is something
that I have done,
and that I will do it again,
and I apologize,
but I promise to try
to listen to, validate and respond
accordingly to your feelings,
instead of dictating what they should be.
You are a child, you are young,
you do not have all of the language yet
to identify, understand or express
all of those very strong emotions
that you have, and it is my job
to help you learn how to.
You are a child
and this does not mean
that your emotions do not count,
that they should be ignored
just because you do not have the words
to explain them, or because
they are so big, you can not contain them,
that they are not REAL
just because they seem "over-the-top"
to the adults around you who have learned
to "control" or dull their own feelings.
I do not want to teach you that
some feeling are GOOD and some are BAD
that some are RIGHT and some are WRONG,
I don't want to applaud your unbridled excitement,
your exuberant joy, your uncontainable love
and then frown upon your anger,
your frustration, your fear, your sadness,
because all feelings have a place
and all feeling are valid,
and you will feel them all in your life
and that is as it should be.

Because it is my job
to help you identify your feelings
I will try not to confuse
what you learn about the world
by telling you that what you feel
is the WRONG way to feel,
with statements like, "Oh, that doesn't hurt."
or "That's not something to cry about."
because it may hurt and if you are crying,
then for you, it IS something to cry about,
because it is not my job to TELL you HOW to feel,
it is my job to help you understand how you feel,
to process those strong emotions and
learn how to communicate them.
I do not want to confuse your learning process
by telling you that you are NOT feeling sad
when you are feeling sad.

Because I do not want to teach you
not to feel, not to express your feelings,
and not to be able to talk about them,
or that what you feel is WRONG
because someone else thinks
you should not feel the way you do,
I want you to be confident in your own feelings
and not let anyone dictate your feelings to you.
Because I do not want to teach you
to feel ashamed, embarrassed, or silly
for feeling what you feel.

I want you to have a voice.
I want you to feel powerful.
I want you to feel confident and proud.

Having A Conversation

Having a conversation often sounds like this:
"What were we talking about?  Oh yeah.  Such-and-such.  Oh wait, that's too high.  Let's be careful.  Okay, so as I was saying... oh, hold on, don't kick your friend.  We take turns on the slide.  Well, anyway, I was trying to tell you about this-and-that.  What, honey?  You need to pee pee?  Okay, let's go... Well, it's time to get going.  Nice to see you."

As a mother, I don't have conversations anymore, except for the many I have with my daughter about things like how poo poo is made in our bodies.  There are some other things I no longer do and new things: 
Clean my house in a day.
Remember all of my friends' birthdays and send them something.
Remember people's names the first or fifth time I hear it.
Think about myself most of the time.
Have small perky breasts.
Read a book.  Read a whole book.  Read a book in less then 6 months.
Always be on time, make and not break plans.
Sleep through the night and wake myself up.
Complete a blog post, and most other things.
Take a vacation.  Relax. 
Do things when I think of them.
Now I think about child related things 80% of the time, I think it was about 3% prior.
Now I talk about pee pee and poo poo many times a day.
Now I am always multi-tasking.  

Becoming a mother changed me.  Maybe this isn't true for everyone, but I am a different person.  It has been interesting and difficult to get to know myself again and figure out who I am.  I mean, when you change everything that you do, it changes you.  When you are responsible for another person, a child who is completely dependent on you, your emotional and social life completely changes.  When you go through pregnancy, childbirth and breastfeeding your body completely changes.  New research even shows that your brain changes when you become a mother, it actually grows in size and new areas are created.  However, sometimes it is my tight grasp on who I was before and old habits that inhibit this new transformation to take place smoothly.  It is also difficult that those who knew me before expect me to be the same person that I was.

to be continued...

International Day of the Midwife

To my midwife, my mother-in-law, my daughter's grandmother

Thank you for walking alongside me on my journey into motherhood,
for your kind listening, your calmness and confidence,
thank you for your strength, when my knees were weak,
for your quiet instruction, which was a beacon on my foggy shore,
for the hands that coaxed and caught my little one in their gentle embrace,
and handed her, healthy and full of life, into my arms,
thank you for being the convoy of so many amazing lives,
for your knowledge, your trust and belief, your love
and for being the amazing woman, person and midwife that you are.

Juna's First Beach Trip

 Part I: Travel

Packing

I have always enjoyed packing and organizing, I like to be prepared for anything and have options, but I could also just throw a couple of things in a bag and head out.  Packing is entirely different now and involves a lot of preparation, forethought, lists, stuff and double-checking.  All of our trips have also been long ones, usually two weeks, and that involves a lot of stuff.  This time it was only four days and five nights, but our first time to the beach and staying at a beach house, which meant extra stuff like Juna's bike and a little blow up pool (the first we forgot to throw in the camper and the second we never used), towels and sheets (both of which we never had enough off).  Preparations began a couple weeks before with just jotting down things on the to-do and to-bring lists as I thought of things.  The beginning of the week of I started all the laundry and putting the items we wanted to take aside as they became available.  Then I actually started packing 3 days before.  We brought so much stuff, you might have thought we were actually moving to the beach, which is basically what Juna thought.  It always takes the first trip to figure out what you need and what you don't use.  I can say I didn't forget to bring anything we needed but I did leave part of the baby monitor there.

Travel, Sleep and Routine

Travel has been difficult.  Juna was not a car baby.  She screamed and cried in the car on a regular basis... as in almost every time we got in the car.  I knew exactly how many minutes it took to get to all of the usual places we went.  Driving was the most difficult time for us until her extreme dislike started to fade and then dissolved around 16 months.  Suffice-it-to-say I wasn't too excited about traveling long distances in the car.  That kind of torture just isn't worth it to me.  I would feel so stressed leading up to it, then overwhelmed, sad, stressed, and in pain (when your child is in pain or distress, you suffer a new kind of pain you have never felt before) during most of the trip, then exhausted after the drive and then in dread of the ride back, which is always harder then the one there.  But, as I said, it did get better, thank goodness!  Although my husband would like to travel a lot more, and bought a camper for that purpose, I think every four months is good for Juna and I, it takes about that long to forget the difficult parts and only remember the fun of your last trip.  Of course, that will change as she ages.

There And Back Again

The ride to your destination is always a lot easier then the ride back, for several reasons.  Here are some of the typical reasons and those unique to this trip:

                            There                                                                 
-the camper & destination are exciting and new, you are on an adventure               
-uncle Jer rode with us (for fun and as navigator)             
-you are well-rested                                                            
-you are well prepared with healthy snacks, plus all the food you are taking with you                           
-you take your time packing, double check, and have everything you need at hand                                      

                            Back
-you have to rush to get out in the morning, so you are not well organized,
the camper is a mess and Juna doesn't get much attention, so she's already feeling upset
-the camper is old hat and just hot
-you miss a turn and add 30 minutes
-you are both exhausted & over stimulated 
-you end up eating crap all day and tummy ache ensues

A Week In The Life OR My Facebook Status In A Nutshell

Sunday Night
I can choose to stay up as long as I want, but I can't choose to sleep in afterwards. I haven't slept-in a single day in 34 months.

Monday Reflection on Our Culture
It it OK for our babies to NEED us, in fact, it is the way it should be! Our culture has created the myth that babies are suppose to care for themselves and start becoming independent as soon as they leave the womb... ummm, they're BABIES!

Tuesday Early Morning
I would have said, "Oh man!" when I got up at 5:30, but since I think Juna fell asleep by 9:30, and me shortly after, and I don't recall her waking during the night, I'm just fine with 5:30... plus she was the one who woke me but she fell back to sleep. Ahhhhh, a few precious quiet moments to myself!

Wednesday Morning Needs & Questions
We've been up for about 2 1/2 hours, but I am already worn out from answering about 85 why questions and responding to 50 other mommy-I-need-you requests, such as: I need to get up. I need to peepee on the potty. I need you to hold these. I need to get down. I need you to hold me. I wanna nurse. I wanna nurse some more. I need my Dora pants. You look for them? I need somethin' to drink. Can you find it?... So, it's a good thing I got a "I love you, mama." and a tight squeeze before we got out of bed this morning.

Thursday Night TV
OK, it is so a bad idea for me to stay up late... late for me now is past 10... but usually once or twice a week I just have to do it, sometimes the only hours I have to myself. And did I mention, Midsomer Murders (or whatever I happen to be watching) is so good!  Watching TV is such a coveted luxury these days, as well as: staying up late, taking a bath alone, doing anything else alone, reading in quiet, quiet, etc.

Friday Morning Sleepy Head
This is what it sounds like from 6:47-7:01: "I want to get up, mama.".... "mmmmm".... "Get up, mama."....... "mmmm"..... "I want you to get up...... I want you to GET UP MAMA."..... "OK, give me a minute."........ "No, NOW!.......I want you to get up NOW."......"OK, in a minute. Mama need a minute to wake up. Can you look through the window?"....... "NO. It's dark. I wanna get up. Wahhhh. I WANT YOU TO GET UP MAMA! Wahhhhhh".... "Mama's so tired, baby. I need a minute. Wanna nurse some more?"........ "NO. Wahhhh. Mama GET ME!" (etc.) ......Nursing, nursing, nursing........playing, tickling, snuggling, hugging..... "OK, let's get up."

Friday Noon Compliments
Me: You look great. (to a friend)

Juna: You say, "you look great," why you say that mama?
Me: Because she looks very pretty. Alex has a pretty mommy, don't you think?
Juna: Yeah. I have a pretty mommy too.

Friday Afternoon Nostalgia

I miss my students, I miss teaching, I miss my time, I miss my financial freedom, my independence, my late nights, my other social life, I miss sleeping late, doing whatever I want when I want, my memory, my date nights, my new clothes, travel, my books and writing, my career development, my TV, my clean house, and probably many other things, but I wouldn't trade them for the incredible moments I share with my daughter as I watch her grow and change.

 

These Are A Few Of My Favorite Things

Juna, you are thirty-four months old this month of April,
you are, as ever, your fiercely independent self
and your often repeated statements are,
"Look mama, I did it my self!" and "No, I want to do it MYSELF!"
I have moved all of your clothes where you can get them
and you pick them out and dress yourself,
you have even mastered the big buttons on your favorite jacket,
the straps on your shoes, and getting on your backpack,
although if it were up to you, you would wear pajamas ALL the time,
which you also pick out and put on yourself every night.

You also like to do a myriad of other things, all by yourself,
ride your bike, that grandpa gave you for Christmas,
only about three weeks of frustration before you were riding like a pro,
during the winter you rode it whenever you went from room to room,
and now that it is warm and you have your helmet, you go, go, go.

You always want to try new "big girl" activities and skills,
like spreading butter on you toast and cutting with the butter knife,
cracking eggs, using scissors and glue to make collages,
and putting on stamps to mail your art cards to your friends,

You are also a great helper, you like to clean the house, your favorite duties include:
washing, stacking and drying dishes, cleaning windows,
and folding laundry, which you do with the utmost care,
you love to help with cooking, we make cookies, oatmeal, deviled eggs
and many other things that involve measuring cups and spoons.

You are a cat-sitter, a post office handler, a cleaner-upper,
a car seat buckler, 
and you are meticulous about taking care of your babies and animals,
wrapping them up, diapering, putting them to bed and feeding them.

You love to host tea parties,build with blocks and run your train,
explore the outdoors with Iris, run and kick balls, swim at the pool,
tramps around downtown with your mama and daddy...

Breastfeeding Is Obscene... Really?

A note on the war on public breastfeeding...
It's what's in the minds of those looking at breastfeeding and thinking it is obscene that we have to worry about, not the moms doing it. And I'm wondering which of these definitions apply, I'm assuming a. for men (if you can't control your sexual desire when seeing breasts, you are going to have a much bigger problem in this culture them BFing, since there are literally naked breasts everywhere, ads & TV, and you need to get some help... you have some sexual issues) and I don't even know what to think about women who are against public BFing, I feel very bad for them and how repressed they must feel, although it doesn't surprise me considering it's been a very short time since women were considered equal... and face it, we still have a long long way to go before we actually are treated equal.

Definition of OBSCENE

1

: disgusting to the senses : repulsive

2

a : abhorrent to morality or virtue; specifically : designed to incite to lust or depravity

b : containing or being language regarded as taboo in polite usage <obscene lyrics>

c : repulsive by reason of crass disregard of moral or ethical principles <an obscene misuse of power>

d : so excessive as to be offensive <obscene wealth> <obscene waste>

Patience

For me, patience is remembering to slow down and enjoy the moments of "waiting," which are just part of the experience.  Observing Juna learning used to be such a joy, but then something changed... waiting for her to get herself ready became annoying... because I always felt like I was in such a rush, so I have to remind myself to enjoy those incredible moments again and be amazed again at how she has taught herself how to dress, zip, button, etc. and be grateful that she is so independent.

to be continued...

On Nursing Your Baby To Sleep

Where is the "Nurse your baby to sleep because you have breasts which make milk which actually produce sleep-inducing breastmilk," option? I just do not understand this whole push to separate our babies from us, to "teach/force" them to take care of themselves... ummm, why does a 3 week old need to take care of itself? I mean, we just did everything for them for 9 months... now suddenly, here they are, and we are told and encouraged to start making them independent. Well, no thank you. I choose another route. I choose to hold my baby, as long as she needed me to, to nurse her to sleep until she started falling asleep all on her own (without me training her), to wake in the night to help her back to sleep, to sleep with her little body beside mine, to meet her needs and to let her decide when she was ready for independence. Have I greatly suffered because I have chosen this path? I can tell you that I don't regret any of it. I can tell you that I have a healthy, happy, independent child who sleeps very well.

Co-sleeping At 32 Months

I love co-sleeping.  I keep meaning to write something about it, but haven't gotten to it... However, I am always posting comments about it... here is one...


I LOVE co-sleeping! It's one of the best experiences of my life! My child is still sleeping with me at 2 1/2 and we plan to transition her to her own bed at 3. My husband actually doesn't sleep with us but it is because he has terrible insomnia, snoring and a totally different sleep schedule. My child has never been a night-waker or night-cryer because I have always been able to take care of her as soon as she needs me, and I was always able to get a lot more sleep... I seriously can't even imagine dragging myself out of bed, walking to another room, picking my child up, who is probably already awake and upset, sitting in a chair for 30 minutes, then trying to put the baby back in bed without waking her, then dragging myself back to bed... seriously sounds like torture to me. If I or my child is awake for too long... say 10 min, then we have a much harder time going back to sleep. Luckily, this only ever happens to us if she is sick. And besides not getting any sleep, I just cound't be that far away from my baby... I seriously wouldn't have been able to sleep at all thinking about her being so far away. When she was newborn, I used to listen to her breath or sometimes put my hand on her chest to make sure she was ok. I never ever was worried about her sleeping with me. I was so hyper-aware of her being there and woke with her every movement, but would fall right back to sleep if she didn't need me, I'm a very light sleeper. Anyway, I don't think it is right for everyone, but it has definitely been the one of the sweetest parts of parenthood for me and my child!!

My Father

My father is the best father that a father can be.
He wasn't always a perfect father.
Now that I am a parent I know it it a long process.
It takes adaptability, flexibility, patience and, of course, love.
My father has all of those qualites,
which led him to be the father he is today.
A role model for me.

He is ALWAYS there for me.  I don't exaggerate.
When I say "always," I mean every single time.
When I have been stranded, he comes to the rescue.
Whether I am on the side of the road somewhere,
with a busted tire or a dead battery,
or an emotional wreck.

He is the best listener that I know.
He is quiet and patient and just listens.
He does not interrupt, or judge,
and always gives his full attention.
He is supportive and kind and wise.

My Definition Of Success

Success: To be thankful and happy with what you have and to continuously strive to improve yourself and the world around you by doing what fulfills you.

Success Part I: To be thankful and happy with what you have...
- Create visible reminders of what you are grateful for (make signs with Juna)
- Give thanks at dinner time (create routine)
- Get rid of clutter and things you don't use

Success Part II: continuously strive to improve yourself and the world around you...
- Set realistic goals
- Create a community
- Be active in your community 
- Find what you feel strongly about and do something
- Educate yourself, never stop learning

Success Part III: doing what fulfills you...
- Work must be something you enjoy, that you can be successful at and continue to grow in
- A healthy work environment
- Free time should also be fulfilling
- Spend quality time alone & with others

to be continued...



Note: This question and its musing were inspired by my friend, fellow blogger & mom, Katie Davis.

Maternal Instincts Or Caring For Your Sick Child Is Akin To Torture

This Morning - Day 6

And The Hits Keep On Coming
I was feeling pretty hopeless this morning.  Juna's viral conjunctivitis (pink eye) seemed to have cleared on Saturday, I read that it is only contagious while visible (I'm not sure if that also means you only have it as long as it's visible), but this morning she woke with her eyes all crusted, but no redness or tears.  She DID NOT wake with a coughing attack last night, halleluiah!  She did the last four nights and it was awful.  But she did wake 10 times, give or take, but was able to go back to sleep easily most of those times... no so for me, of course.  Oh, but back to why I'm feeling hopeless... of course six days of not sleeping after a three month period of a string of illnesses doesn't do much for your optimism level, nor for energy, emotional and physical well-being.

Sunday - Day 5

Mommy Zombie
It is one of the hardest thing to separate from your child when they are very upset, sick and crying, but sometimes it must be done.  I have knots in my stomach every time.  We had another night of coughing and I am totally exhausted, not to mention Juna woke at six and didn't go back to sleep.  So at nine-thirty we started getting ready for her outing with daddy, and it all went smoothly until the last bit... getting her bunny ready to go.  She is tired and sick and everything is harder for her.  I sympathize, but I did what I could, then I had to throw in the towel.  I can't do anymore.  I can not encourage, insist or fight with her.  I am just too worn out.  So her father just left with her crying and calling for mommy, and it makes me feel sick.  But sometimes that is the way it goes. 

Saturday - Day 4

Maternal Instincts
I've often thought that having a sick baby brings out the best in the mother.  It's biological.  Everything else fades into the background when you need to focus on the well-being of offspring. However, after what feels like three months of illness, my maternal instincts are being put to the test.

The Trying-to-keep-it-cool Mama
We've had some rough illnesses here of late.  The stomach virus was certainly the worst.  And from that came the UTI.  Then recovering from those and the antibiotics has taken weeks.  Currently, it's viral conjunctivitis and a cold.  Juna is about twenty times more emotional and reactionary then usual, and I have to say it has pushed my patience to its limit.  Yesterday she was happy for about two hours, if you put all of the 10-15 minute increments together, and crying the rest of the time.  When she was a baby, she got her first illness, an ear infection, at 10 months, all I felt was compassion.  Now it's harder to maintain that sympathy hour after hour and meltdown after meltdown.  I mean, she IS a TWO year old now, which is already extremely challenging.  When she is sick, it's like, well, torture.  If I had top secret secrets and someone wanted to get them out of me, they would just have to say that I had to take care of my sick child with no relief in sight.  No one would ever come and relieve me... I would divulge all of my secrets in a heartbeat.  Luckily, I had already begun practicing taking deep breaths when we were having a tough time, so I was able to put this into practice the last few days.  And I feel I did quite well, under the circumstances.  Considering I was managing on little sleep myself.  I did raise my voice twice.  Although I don't like to do this out of anger and frustration, it did seem to work.  It jostled her out of her emotional spiral and she was able to communicate, and it didn't make her more upset. 

The Awake-all-night Mama
When your baby wakes you in the night and needs you, you turn into super mom.  Your maternal instincts kick in and you do what ever you can to comfort and make your baby better.  This has been crazy coughing attacks this week.  It's pretty awful.  She is so congested that she eventually has to cough/vomit it all up. 

Disclaimer:  I am writing this after many a night of being woken five or six times and getting about five hours of broken sleep.

Happy 10th Valentine's Day To My Husband

Ten years ago on this day
you said, "I love you."

I want to thank you for loving me
for all these years, and the ones to come.

 I love you because
you are patient with me
while I grow.
I love you because
you are dedicated
to growing yourself.
I love you because
you are ambitious
and believe in yourself,
and when you have doubts
you come to me
to remind you of who you are.
I love you because
you have encourged me
when I am scared.
I love you because
you let me be me
and you be you.
I love you because
you are a wonderful
husband and father.

At The End Of The Day

I would much rather lie down with you at the end of the day,
with my arms around you, listening to your breathing,
and reflect on today's happenings, while you transition
yourself from a long active day, into quiet and restful sleep...

Sometimes I want to get up after you go to bed,
have some quiet time for myself, or I'm just not tired,
and sometimes I am hoping that you will go to sleep
sooner then you usually do, that I won't have to stay
there "forever" with you, but I would rather lie
with you, with my arms around you, hearing you breath...

Even though bedtime is a long time,
and my evening always has to end by eight,
and we have to have our fifteen minutes of TV,
while you wind down from your day,
and we go to the bedroom, and you
take off your clothes and put your jammies on
all by yourself, and sometimes have a little trouble,
but mostly are ok, and you have potty-time,
which can last fifteen minutes, and you
need to drink some water, then we
climb into bed, sometimes you want to
jump like a kangaroo on the bed and I have to remind you
that it is bedtime, you get your babies all ready,
arranging them so they can see the book,
you pick out two books and we read one,
then you brush your teeth and then
I brush your teeth, and sometimes
I have to convince you that I need to,
that can take a few minutes, then
you need another drink of water,
then we read our second book, and then
I ask you to move your babies over so mommy has room,
and you are worried because it will wake them
and they will cry, but I finally convince you,
and they do cry, but you get them back to sleep,
it is about nine and I turn off the light and we snuggle in together,
and I kiss your head and say, "Good night, my love."

Then we lie down and nurse... and nurse... and nurse,
and you move around and get comfortable,
and sometimes you are not ready, and I remind you
it is time to sleep, and we lay together until you fall alseep,

usually thirty minutes, and I usually fall asleep after you,
and it is usually nine-thirty and I am exhausted.
But I am happy, because I would rather take this time,
I would rather lie here with you in my arms
and listen to your breathing, I would rather
spend my evening with you, even when I want
my own time or wish I could stay out just once,
I would still rather help you fall alseep
then listen to you cry, call or scream for me,
because for me, that feels and sounds
more like hopeless abondonment then
"learning to self-sooth and put yourself to sleep."

And because I am you mother
and it is my job to sooth you
I would rather spend this time with you
with my arms around you and
your breath on my skin,
then do anything else.

You Are Thirty-one Months Today

You are a mountain climber
whenever there is a wall or rocks to climb
You are a ballet dancer
twirling around in open spaces
You are a dog walker
and friend to all animals, big and small
You are a magician
giving life to all your small playmates
You are a moon spotter
in the day or night time sky
You are an explorer
always ready for a new adventure
You are Juna

You are You

Co-sleeping

This is one of the sweetest experiences I have ever had and some of the sweetest moments I share with you.

Moments

One of our favorite times together is in bed in the mornings, which sounds like this:
"mmmmm"
"mmmmm"
"Mama!"
"Juna."
"Mama."
"Juna."
Juna puts her hands on my face and turns it to her, and we smile and say, "Hi."
"Mama. I love you."
"I love you too."
And we snuggle, nurse, play, roll around, laugh and talk about our plans for the day.  We might stay in bed for an hour, and when it's time to get up, Juna asks for the "bulldsdover" and I make a "crane with my legs and lower her to the floor.

I also love potty time.  We have the best conversations during potty time, since they tend to last 10-15 minutes and we have nothing to distract us.  Sometimes Juna asks the names of everything in the bathroom.  Sometimes we hang out in the poo poo cave (this is when we put the shower curtain around us to make a little tent).

I love when Juna is in my arms and she has her head on my shoulder.  I often hold her like this after her nap, when she needs time to transition into waking.  The other day she was having a hard time with it, said she didn't feel well, and I had jumped the gun by talking about going to grandpa's house to take care of the chicks (because I had an appointment that afternoon).  So I picked her up and held her for a while, and walked around the living room.  I was standing in front of the desk, when I noticed two cards (Nicole had made them for for all the mothers, but they were all different).  My cards say, "Cherish the Moment," and "Slow Down."