Bucket Lists

A Mother And Her Daughter's Bucket Lists

100 Things I Would Love To Do (a work in progress...)

Mama
1. live abroad
2. travel to every continent, at least
3. speak proficient Spanish
4. make enough money to donate and retire
5. make a difference
6. make the world a better place
7. live happily
8. live in thankfulness
9. reunite with a long lost friend
10. make amends
11. read more books
12. create art
13. get published
14. celebrate my 20th, 30th and 40th wedding anniversary
15. celebrate my 80th birthday, while still healthy
16. get my Master's
17. become a public speaker
18. live in a house I love to be in
19. feel comfortable in my skin
20. heal my wounds
21. help others with similar traumas
22. spend more time outside
23. exercise and enjoy it
24. live without daily physical pain
25. feel beautiful again
25. revisit Ecuador
26. find inner peace
27. support my daughter to find her happiness
28. get my dream job
29. change the system
30. have friends all over the world
31. eat healthy, delicious food
32. learn to cook before mentioned food
33. write a children's book
34. learn photography
35. celebrate my daughter's accomplishments
36. practice one-mindedness
37. age well
38. change a tire
39. never stop learning
40. get sober

Daughter (age 4)
1. hug a penguin
2. hold another dead bird
3. ride in a submarine
4. ride a tiger
5. travel to another country
6. go to Mexico
7. ride in a kangaroo's pouch
8. dance ballet
9. rock climbing
10. be an acrobat
11. be a veterinarian
12. change name to Elsa
13. change name to Annie and dye hair red
14. change name to Wendy and dye hair blond
15. be an avid theater-goer
16. learn to ice skate
17. learn to swim underwater
18. have children
19. visit Alex
20. ride an elephant's trunk
21. ride a unicorn, if they are real, I don't know
22. have a pink VW bug
23. have a dog, a cat, a unicorn for pets
24. learn an instrument
25. watch Paddington again
26. paint house in rainbows
27. sleep by myself when I'm ready
28. always live with my mama
29. have magical powers that make stuffed animals real
30. make wishes come true

Savoring The Sweetness

Dear Juna,

I want to tell you one of the many reasons that I choose to breastfeed and sleep with you for what most in our society consider an extended time, over four years. Of course, I love it. These are some of the sweetest moments of my life. Although I have had the opportunity for this kind of love and sweetness in my life, although I have had many wonderful things in my life, I haven't always or often felt them. Having spent the better part of my life, about twenty-eight years in the grip of depression, I often waded through life in a numbness. If I truly opened my heart to feeling, it was often a fog of despair with pools of deep sadness, grief and regret. And so, I learned to shut feeling out, to numb my heart, which helped me survive, but came with the price of losing out on the moments of happiness as well. Not a fair price, but I was bargaining with my life, and beggers can't be choosers. Also, having been taught that "living in the moment" can be dangerous and painful, I learned how not to "be present," to disassociate, to live separate from my body.

From the first day until now, and for days to come, when I hold you in my arms, when you nurse, when you look into my eyes, when I feel your sleeping body next to mine, when I hear you breathing beside me, when you put your arms around me, when you call, "mama," in the night, when I rock you, when I walked with you in the carrier, your heart to mine, when you slept blissfully on my chest, these are the moments. These are the moments that I savor the sweetness you have brought me. These are the moments that bring me into the present, that allow me to open my heart, safely, without fear, and feel the extreme happiness and joy that I have not allowed myself to feel. When I was pregnant with you and when I gave birth to you, it was the first time in as long as I can remember that my body and soul were reunited. It was the first time I trusted my body in many many years. Giving birth, I was present in my body without fear. These are the gifts that you have given me. The gift you continue to give me, the ability to savor the sweetness in my life, the ability to be present in these moments, the opportunity to open my heart and feel.

Your ever-grateful mama

Dear Mom, From Your Four Year Old Juna

Dear Mom,

You know that I love you soooo much,
I love you all the way to the moon,
Even though you are always telling me
things that I already know.

 You know that I love you because
I can't stop giving you big bear hugs
many many times a day,
Even though you are always wrong
and I always have to correct you
with my vast knowledge of all things.

 You know I love you because
I want to be with you all the time,
Even though I love spending time
with others, I always let you know
that you are my first choice,
even when we don't get along.

You know I love you because
you are my best friend
and I want to share everything with you,
Even though you sometimes do things
that I do not like, like saying "no"
when I want ice cream.

You know how much I love you when
I want to snuggle with you
and always be close to you,
Even though sometimes you hug me too hard
or pull my hair by accident.

I love you so much that
I tell you that I want to be with you
even when I am a grown-up,
even when I have kids myself,
because even though you are not perfect,
you are my mother, and I love you
just the way you are.

Love,
Your four year old Juna

No More Napping

August 21
Juna did not nap today. We are getting ready for early bedtime and she says, "I hope I can take a nap this year."

August 27
No more napping happening here. Just when I thought I'd get a little more time with preschool, I'll actually have less... at least awake productive hours. She is going to sleep around 7:30-8, but I am so exhausted from the long day with her that I don't want to do anything. I guess once we get used to this new schedule, I'll start having more energy in the evening. Anyway, I need to start finding some regular afternoon activities to keep us going. This new schedule also means she'll have a lot less time with daddy They will have to make up for it on the weekends. It also means an end for our late afternoon outings, since we have to be home and starting our bedtime routine by 6:30. Boy, does this change things. And I fought it. But it's been 3 weeks since she started missing naps... and now we've had a run of 5 days. It is super exhausting to try to put her down for nap and then not have one... so I'm giving up.

August 30
On the 7th day, I went to take a nap while Juna watched TV.  I never napped with her before, now that she's not napping, I have to lay down for 15 minutes at her naptime.  She's been watching more TV since the no-napping began.  I tried a quiet time, which lasted 5 minutes, then she ran out of her room crying because she was scared.  Then we did another 5 minutes with her on the couch.  So, I told her she could play, watch TV, or lay with me, if she wanted to nurse... the one advantage of not napping is cutting out a nursing, but she still wants to nurse at naptime... so after her coming in and out a dozen times with various requests, she decided to lay with me.  It took a little while but we both fell asleep for almost 2 hours.

Juna's New Room Or Decorating On A Dime

The Theme: Night Owl

When Juna was about half a year, we were all sitting around, and I thought to look up our "spirit" or "totem" animals for fun.  I googled it and put in our birthdays.  Ever since, if you ask Juna she will tell you, "Mama is a bear.  Daddy is a bat.  Juna is an owl."  She loved owls before and ever since.  So, the theme was a given.  I decided to do a mural of a night sky, with a big yellow moon and stars, and a silhouette of an owl on a tree branch.  Ever since Juna could point, she has always noted the moon, so I've always called her my "moon spotter."  She also loves "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star," which has been a song I used to sing her to sleep since the beginning.  

The color, of course, would be blue... the sky.  One wall would be a darker accent wall with the mural and the other walls, a slightly lighter shade of the same blue.

Because The Rug Makes The Room

The rug search.  I looked at hundreds of rugs and finally found the perfect one.  The rug was really the cornerstone of the room, as the room colors would be based on the rug.  This one was round with different colored circles.  I ordered in, in plenty of time, and waited.  I got an email nine days later... no rug.  It was discontinued, which i knew, which is why I searched and searched to find a place that still had it in stock.  They didn't.  So the search continued, but by that time, it was too late to order anything in time for Juna's birthday.  I searched local stores but couldn't find anything that was perfect.  I was beginning to accept that I would have to settle, until I came across another perfect rug... but not local.  I called to make sure they actually hah the rug and ordered it that day.  The person I spoke to said she would rush the shipping and it should arrive in three days.  It didn't.  I waited and waited and waited.  I called on all of powers of patience.  Finally I contacted them and they told me to contact Fed Ex, and I did, and I did again and again... until someone finally confirmed that the rug was lost in the void of lost-shipped things.  The rug company sent me another one... in two days.  But Juna's birthday had come and gone by them.  So, nineteen days later, when the rug arrived, it was time to find the colors for Juna's room.

Finding The Right Blue In a World Of Blues

This took a week, and tree trips to the paint store.  The color couldn't be matched using there machine, so I had to do it by sight, with Juna and rug in tow.  But I found them.  (colors)  That weekend, Jody painted the room on Saturday while I had Juna out for the day, minus coming home for nap, of course.  And they were perfect.  The folowing day was my turn and my father's, while Jody took her out for the day.

An Owl And A Treehouse

We had recently visited the preschool that we choose for Juna.  There, they had a loft.  I love those, and grew up with that sort of thing and it was wonderful.  I started to envision that sort of thing in Juna's room, but it is so small and seemed a lot of work.  I was planning on redoing her closet, with my father's help, so that all of her clothes could be housed there and accessible to her (during age two she had started dressing herself and it was very important to her).  So, I am looking in the closet, thinking of shelving, etc... and there is all of this empty space on top, storage I guess... then, bam... I thought, a loft, a treehouse!  Perfect.  So, on Sunday, my father came over and began building her treehouse, while I worked away painting the owl and moon on her wall.

Organizing: Closet, Clothes, Toys & Books

- The quilt