After The Separation

so, sometimes, you drink a little wine
and then, the words start coming,
pouring out, like that bottle... into an empty glass
and you think, well, you think a lot of different shit
like... I miss my daughter, and although
the free time is nice, right?
you still wish you were in bed beside her
hearing her breathing in the dark
knowing she is sleeping there
and then, you think about where you are
where your life is going, and how the
not knowing is hard, but you are staying the course
and that's okay, because you are thinking
about the next day and what you will be doing
but, but... no matter what you are doing
you are still thinking about the miraculous beauty
of her, of her blue eyes, and you wish
again, that life was perfect... for her.
Oh yeah, you remind yourself, this is where we are,
this is what is happening, it's all okay. It will be okay.
And you try to think of something else.
And you can. But, it's also okay, if you don't.
because even the thought of your daughter
makes you happy too. even if, even if...
you are not with her, and she is not with you
physically. there are always so many other things
to think about. there are.
but it is the one thing that truly brings you back to
who you are.
And I am, because of that.
I am a mother. I am your mother. 

I have experienced no other completeness as that. 

because that is where love finds its home.
that is you.
Juna.

Dear Juna, you are now five and a half

My heart fills up
Every time I see you
Your smiles, every sound
That you make, every dream
You tell me, when you wake,
You are, something that I
Can't define, no words
Can take the place of you
Can describe your face
You are the very heart if me
Which I had such a hard time
In finding, until you

Juna Tales

JUNA, WILD AND FREE

That's my Juna,
wild and free,
just as she ought to be,
from the tips of her toes
to the tip of her nose,
wild beauty,
how she grows
her spirit sparks
a light that shows
love she needs,
love she knows,
dream lovely
like the stars above
hold the moon
in your hands
Juna, my love

JUNA GOES SAILING

This is my boat.
My boat and me.
My boat will stay afloat.
I sail on the silver sea.
Through storms,
through winds,
through desert sun,
I am wild and free.
I return home again.
My little boat and me.
Safe and sound
on green ground,
my boat and me.

Bucket Lists

A Mother And Her Daughter's Bucket Lists

100 Things I Would Love To Do (a work in progress...)

Mama
1. live abroad
2. travel to every continent, at least
3. speak proficient Spanish
4. make enough money to donate and retire
5. make a difference
6. make the world a better place
7. live happily
8. live in thankfulness
9. reunite with a long lost friend
10. make amends
11. read more books
12. create art
13. get published
14. celebrate my 20th, 30th and 40th wedding anniversary
15. celebrate my 80th birthday, while still healthy
16. get my Master's
17. become a public speaker
18. live in a house I love to be in
19. feel comfortable in my skin
20. heal my wounds
21. help others with similar traumas
22. spend more time outside
23. exercise and enjoy it
24. live without daily physical pain
25. feel beautiful again
25. revisit Ecuador
26. find inner peace
27. support my daughter to find her happiness
28. get my dream job
29. change the system
30. have friends all over the world
31. eat healthy, delicious food
32. learn to cook before mentioned food
33. write a children's book
34. learn photography
35. celebrate my daughter's accomplishments
36. practice one-mindedness
37. age well
38. change a tire
39. never stop learning
40. get sober

Daughter (age 4)
1. hug a penguin
2. hold another dead bird
3. ride in a submarine
4. ride a tiger
5. travel to another country
6. go to Mexico
7. ride in a kangaroo's pouch
8. dance ballet
9. rock climbing
10. be an acrobat
11. be a veterinarian
12. change name to Elsa
13. change name to Annie and dye hair red
14. change name to Wendy and dye hair blond
15. be an avid theater-goer
16. learn to ice skate
17. learn to swim underwater
18. have children
19. visit Alex
20. ride an elephant's trunk
21. ride a unicorn, if they are real, I don't know
22. have a pink VW bug
23. have a dog, a cat, a unicorn for pets
24. learn an instrument
25. watch Paddington again
26. paint house in rainbows
27. sleep by myself when I'm ready
28. always live with my mama
29. have magical powers that make stuffed animals real
30. make wishes come true

Savoring The Sweetness

Dear Juna,

I want to tell you one of the many reasons that I choose to breastfeed and sleep with you for what most in our society consider an extended time, over four years. Of course, I love it. These are some of the sweetest moments of my life. Although I have had the opportunity for this kind of love and sweetness in my life, although I have had many wonderful things in my life, I haven't always or often felt them. Having spent the better part of my life, about twenty-eight years in the grip of depression, I often waded through life in a numbness. If I truly opened my heart to feeling, it was often a fog of despair with pools of deep sadness, grief and regret. And so, I learned to shut feeling out, to numb my heart, which helped me survive, but came with the price of losing out on the moments of happiness as well. Not a fair price, but I was bargaining with my life, and beggers can't be choosers. Also, having been taught that "living in the moment" can be dangerous and painful, I learned how not to "be present," to disassociate, to live separate from my body.

From the first day until now, and for days to come, when I hold you in my arms, when you nurse, when you look into my eyes, when I feel your sleeping body next to mine, when I hear you breathing beside me, when you put your arms around me, when you call, "mama," in the night, when I rock you, when I walked with you in the carrier, your heart to mine, when you slept blissfully on my chest, these are the moments. These are the moments that I savor the sweetness you have brought me. These are the moments that bring me into the present, that allow me to open my heart, safely, without fear, and feel the extreme happiness and joy that I have not allowed myself to feel. When I was pregnant with you and when I gave birth to you, it was the first time in as long as I can remember that my body and soul were reunited. It was the first time I trusted my body in many many years. Giving birth, I was present in my body without fear. These are the gifts that you have given me. The gift you continue to give me, the ability to savor the sweetness in my life, the ability to be present in these moments, the opportunity to open my heart and feel.

Your ever-grateful mama

Dear Mom, From Your Four Year Old Juna

Dear Mom,

You know that I love you soooo much,
I love you all the way to the moon,
Even though you are always telling me
things that I already know.

 You know that I love you because
I can't stop giving you big bear hugs
many many times a day,
Even though you are always wrong
and I always have to correct you
with my vast knowledge of all things.

 You know I love you because
I want to be with you all the time,
Even though I love spending time
with others, I always let you know
that you are my first choice,
even when we don't get along.

You know I love you because
you are my best friend
and I want to share everything with you,
Even though you sometimes do things
that I do not like, like saying "no"
when I want ice cream.

You know how much I love you when
I want to snuggle with you
and always be close to you,
Even though sometimes you hug me too hard
or pull my hair by accident.

I love you so much that
I tell you that I want to be with you
even when I am a grown-up,
even when I have kids myself,
because even though you are not perfect,
you are my mother, and I love you
just the way you are.

Love,
Your four year old Juna

No More Napping

August 21
Juna did not nap today. We are getting ready for early bedtime and she says, "I hope I can take a nap this year."

August 27
No more napping happening here. Just when I thought I'd get a little more time with preschool, I'll actually have less... at least awake productive hours. She is going to sleep around 7:30-8, but I am so exhausted from the long day with her that I don't want to do anything. I guess once we get used to this new schedule, I'll start having more energy in the evening. Anyway, I need to start finding some regular afternoon activities to keep us going. This new schedule also means she'll have a lot less time with daddy They will have to make up for it on the weekends. It also means an end for our late afternoon outings, since we have to be home and starting our bedtime routine by 6:30. Boy, does this change things. And I fought it. But it's been 3 weeks since she started missing naps... and now we've had a run of 5 days. It is super exhausting to try to put her down for nap and then not have one... so I'm giving up.

August 30
On the 7th day, I went to take a nap while Juna watched TV.  I never napped with her before, now that she's not napping, I have to lay down for 15 minutes at her naptime.  She's been watching more TV since the no-napping began.  I tried a quiet time, which lasted 5 minutes, then she ran out of her room crying because she was scared.  Then we did another 5 minutes with her on the couch.  So, I told her she could play, watch TV, or lay with me, if she wanted to nurse... the one advantage of not napping is cutting out a nursing, but she still wants to nurse at naptime... so after her coming in and out a dozen times with various requests, she decided to lay with me.  It took a little while but we both fell asleep for almost 2 hours.